Feeling the pain....again...
Many times I've told myself not to fall in love with someone you can't have, you can't share your life with and you cannot go home to after a hard day's work. Many times I tried to live with these principles, many times I've failed...and many times I felt the pain...
The day started out well. She rode my car with elegance and gorgeousness. The morning kiss felt as good as it has been for more than years. That was the boost I needed to spice up a somehow boring work schedule. I was going to have a good day again!
The embrace upon reaching her office was somehow different. There was a bit of a longing to hold her longer than usual, probably because I've missed her during the weekend...
We exchanged sweet nothings thru SMS. That was how each of us show how much we love each other. She's always in my mind even at work. And there were times that even during my most important meetings, I'd sneak an SMS or two just to tell her to stop running circles in my mind...:-)
" I've nothing else to do here. Can you pick me up early?"...
"Sure, what time?"
"Around 4:00 p.m.?"
"Okay."
I finished my work early just to be with her earlier. We planned on getting very intimate as we really missed each other.
As I drove to her office, I bought her her favorite ice cream from a fastfood chain, thinking the summer heat was making her crave for it. And true enough, she was happy as a kid when she saw it. Seeing her with that sparkle in her eyes made me really glad that I was with her, and was able to guess what would make her feel that way...
She took a nap while I was carressing her hair...My eyes never left her face. She was more beautiful that I thought she was...or was it only because I love her more than I used to?...
She murmured a question when she woke up...
"How are you and your wife?"
I was surprised to hear that question from her.
"We're civil with each other. Why?" I replied.
She looked away from me...but I can feel that her tears were dropping...
"I did a lot of thinking during the weekend...about you and me...and I came to a conclusion that you can never leave your family for me...and I won't demand for it..."
I was speechless...
"How do you see our relationship?" I asked...
"This will go on until one of us decides to call it quits...and i think that time has come for me...."
I was shocked.
"I want to live a normal life...I want to go out with someone and not be paranoid about the people around us...I want someone whom I can introduce to my family and friends...someone who'd sleep beside me on my bed...someone who'd always be with me..."
I just listened...I couldn't come up with a word to say...
"I regret that I did not end this relationship sooner, it would have been easier for both of us...I regret having met you and falling for you, I never would have to go through all of these pains..."
"My kids are now asking who you are...and as much as I want to tell them you're my boyfriend, I just can't...."
"I think it will be fair for both of us to go on separate ways..."
That was the clincher. I was so shocked that all I could do was shake my head and stand up...my mind was completely blank...
After she said that, I called the operator and demanded for our bill. We checked out.
Both of us were speechless as I drove her home.
"Thanks..." was all she said when she got off the car.
As I drove home, reality started setting in...I wanted to call her but I know that she'd say the same things all over again, and I couldn't bear to hear those things again...
I felt my chest stiffen and I had to stop for a while and breathe...I shouted at the top of my lungs just to release the pain...but it was only temporary...
Many times we tried leaving each other, and many times we failed. We love each other so much that we just couldn't be without one another. She has become an integral part of my life, my daily routine. And for the past two years, I treated her as my wife, coz I love her more than my wife...
The previous break-ups were filled with tears, and both of us knew even during break ups that we would be back in each other's arms...This time its different, neither of us cried. Though both of us felt the pain, both of us were ready for it. I was shocked, but was more ready this time. But people can never be really ready for this, we just become more prepared and more accepting.
I am hurt, I am in pain, but I guess everything between us just has to end...as letting it linger would be more painful...
To my sweetheart:
I will live my life without you, and I hope you move on the way you want to...You are right, you deserve someone better than me, but I hope that someone will love you more than I do...I will always cherish the times we have spent together...I will never stop loving you, as loving you makes me remember what love is all about...Someday, if our paths cross again, i will still say 'I love you' and I hope you will still smile...I will find happiness in the arms of my family, but this I can say with utmost definity, I will never be as happy as when those loving arms were yours...Good bye...
The day started out well. She rode my car with elegance and gorgeousness. The morning kiss felt as good as it has been for more than years. That was the boost I needed to spice up a somehow boring work schedule. I was going to have a good day again!
The embrace upon reaching her office was somehow different. There was a bit of a longing to hold her longer than usual, probably because I've missed her during the weekend...
We exchanged sweet nothings thru SMS. That was how each of us show how much we love each other. She's always in my mind even at work. And there were times that even during my most important meetings, I'd sneak an SMS or two just to tell her to stop running circles in my mind...:-)
" I've nothing else to do here. Can you pick me up early?"...
"Sure, what time?"
"Around 4:00 p.m.?"
"Okay."
I finished my work early just to be with her earlier. We planned on getting very intimate as we really missed each other.
As I drove to her office, I bought her her favorite ice cream from a fastfood chain, thinking the summer heat was making her crave for it. And true enough, she was happy as a kid when she saw it. Seeing her with that sparkle in her eyes made me really glad that I was with her, and was able to guess what would make her feel that way...
She took a nap while I was carressing her hair...My eyes never left her face. She was more beautiful that I thought she was...or was it only because I love her more than I used to?...
She murmured a question when she woke up...
"How are you and your wife?"
I was surprised to hear that question from her.
"We're civil with each other. Why?" I replied.
She looked away from me...but I can feel that her tears were dropping...
"I did a lot of thinking during the weekend...about you and me...and I came to a conclusion that you can never leave your family for me...and I won't demand for it..."
I was speechless...
"How do you see our relationship?" I asked...
"This will go on until one of us decides to call it quits...and i think that time has come for me...."
I was shocked.
"I want to live a normal life...I want to go out with someone and not be paranoid about the people around us...I want someone whom I can introduce to my family and friends...someone who'd sleep beside me on my bed...someone who'd always be with me..."
I just listened...I couldn't come up with a word to say...
"I regret that I did not end this relationship sooner, it would have been easier for both of us...I regret having met you and falling for you, I never would have to go through all of these pains..."
"My kids are now asking who you are...and as much as I want to tell them you're my boyfriend, I just can't...."
"I think it will be fair for both of us to go on separate ways..."
That was the clincher. I was so shocked that all I could do was shake my head and stand up...my mind was completely blank...
After she said that, I called the operator and demanded for our bill. We checked out.
Both of us were speechless as I drove her home.
"Thanks..." was all she said when she got off the car.
As I drove home, reality started setting in...I wanted to call her but I know that she'd say the same things all over again, and I couldn't bear to hear those things again...
I felt my chest stiffen and I had to stop for a while and breathe...I shouted at the top of my lungs just to release the pain...but it was only temporary...
Many times we tried leaving each other, and many times we failed. We love each other so much that we just couldn't be without one another. She has become an integral part of my life, my daily routine. And for the past two years, I treated her as my wife, coz I love her more than my wife...
The previous break-ups were filled with tears, and both of us knew even during break ups that we would be back in each other's arms...This time its different, neither of us cried. Though both of us felt the pain, both of us were ready for it. I was shocked, but was more ready this time. But people can never be really ready for this, we just become more prepared and more accepting.
I am hurt, I am in pain, but I guess everything between us just has to end...as letting it linger would be more painful...
To my sweetheart:
I will live my life without you, and I hope you move on the way you want to...You are right, you deserve someone better than me, but I hope that someone will love you more than I do...I will always cherish the times we have spent together...I will never stop loving you, as loving you makes me remember what love is all about...Someday, if our paths cross again, i will still say 'I love you' and I hope you will still smile...I will find happiness in the arms of my family, but this I can say with utmost definity, I will never be as happy as when those loving arms were yours...Good bye...
posted by nightwatcher at 5:37 PM
3 Comments:
i feel your pain because i too love someone i cannot have. yet i am powerless to stop loving. i guess... such is love. you cannot turn it on and off like a light switch.
i only hope that in time our pain will abate. it wont ever die down because ... i dont want to forget that at one point, i loved a great love.
btw i hope you dont mind - may i link you up?
mishu lots.
and lots. :)
the pain will keep on coming back.... because you will keep on loving that person...
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