For you...

I don't know if it's proper to send you this or not, but I thought maybe
you'd find time to read something I have written for you for the last time.

I tried as much as possible to accept all the things that has happened
today...until it rained...

What is it with raindrops that makes my heart ache? I don't know...probably
its the sadness that it brings along with every drop of water it sends to
the earth...or maybe its the cold air that makes me shiver and long for
your embrace...

Or maybe its the realization that someone like you would be a big part of
me...only to be gone when all other things don't matter anymore...or maybe
its your face flashing at every blank wall I stare at today...

Maybe its the resemblance of the raindrops to the tears ready to gush down
my cheeks when I sit inside my car alone later...maybe its the happiness
that you brought to my life that I'd always remember...

I can find no words to describe how much you mean to me, the same way I
fail to describe what it is in you that makes me love you so much...

Someone asked me before what would make me happy, and I said I don't
know...I guess during that time I haven't been as happy as I was when we
were together...

The cold breeze of Tagaytay...the sand and sea of Subic...the calmness of
Caylabne beach...the four walls of Orchids...all these I hold dear in my
heart, as these are the very places where we were most intimate...these
were the places I found out how wonderful you are, inside and out...

I always remember your smile, how big your laugh is, how easily you laugh
at my jokes, and how hurt you can be with matters of the heart...

I will always remember how beautiful you are and how I would look at you
while you were asleep, how I'd like to pinch that nose whenever your
rhinitis acted up...

I will always remember you...the whole you...and will thank God for you...

I apologize for my shortcomings...for the times I've hurt you...

I will cherish all that we've been through, as these are all what make our
memories worth remembering. I refuse to accept that this is the end of the
road for us...as I always believe nobody holds what's in store for us in
the future...

I bid you farewell, until we meet again...and I hope you don't mind that
should our paths cross again, I will still say I love you...as that is how
I will feel for you until the end of my days...

Take care...

Plain stupidity...

I just never learn....

The old flame came back...the intimate moments were there again...and so I thought..

My chest stiffen, I was in a daze...my heart pounded like I was on the verge of a heart attack...I couldn't breathe...My whole world collapsed and there was nothing I could do...I wept inside...I died the second time around...It was hell....

I told myself I wouldn't take her back...but it seemed there was a bigger part of me who kept on saying I felt otherwise...then the weaker part of me succumbed to the temptation of risking it all...and I lost....

I love her still...despite the things that I resolved I will not do anymore...Love conquers all...even your grasp of reality...

She told me before it was all over...but despite that I kept on hoping she'd come back...and she did, after all my stubborness swayed her to be back...but now I realized you cannot force someone to love you back the same way you love her...stupid old me!

Love sucks!

The lies, the grueling part of waiting for her text messages, the longing to be with her, the agony of not being with her, the stupid excuses, the bonds broken, the friendships put on stake, the sleepless nights, the unreplied sweet messages, the exhausting effort of reminding her how much you love her...all these that ended with nothing, with heartaches, with people suffering...stupid old me!

You know I love you...you know the rules...I wasn't lying...I can't be with you that day...I was sick...I have problems which I didn't tell you 'coz those don't concern you...you should've understood...I took you for granted...stupid old me!


Now its really over...I know...You have spoken...You have decided...You have spilled out everything inside you...It hurts...But I should have expected it...But I kept on denying myself reality...Stupid old me!

Live your life well...Find someone whom you deserve...Forget me...I am nothing...I am not worthy of your time and affection...I am just me..stupid old me!

The Four Horsemen...

I don't know, but, people seem to find comfort in me when they are beset with "love problems". Probably because they have this impression that I've been through a lot ( which I would think is true...:) ) or they see me as a confidante who would never ever reveal to anyone their darkest secrets...hmmm...

Anyway, if you are wondering what the title means...NO, its not because what I am going to tell here is something biblical, but rather, the stories of 4 people, including myself. But, as you've already read a lot of things about me, I'm just going to write down the stories of the other three.

The four of us have entered the dangerous and immoral world of extra-marital relationship, only that, we have taken different approaches in putting ourselves in that situation. And here are our stories...

Ramon, Jeff and I work in the same company, handling the same positions, while Daniel is one of our clients, the son of the owner of the company he's working in which manufactures and sells cosmetic products...let's start with him.

I met Daniel almost a year ago, July 7, 2004 to be exact, in one of the meetings I've attended that day. My work entails a lot of dealings and meetings with their company and it wasn't long before I got close, professionally and personally, to him and his family.

Part of our arrangement is that I conduct market visits with him and this includes going on long roadtrips and jetsetting. The long hours we spent together made us very close, to the point that he revealed to me even his most treasured secrets...

"Bro, lalaki ka naman siguro noh?" he asked.

"Pucha! Oo naman!" I quickly replied.

"Kaya palagay ko maiintindihan mo ko sa iku-kwento ko sa yo..." he continued.

Daniel and Jena met each other in a bar in Makati. During that time, Daniel was just a few months married to Karen. Daniel was with his cousin, Jena with her flirty friends. Seeing Jena as the most silent in her group, Daniel got interested in knowing her, and know her he did.

Not long after that, Daniel and Jena were dating...and soon after they became a couple, discreetly. They already were in their eighth month when I met Daniel.

"Bro, Jena is moving to Cabanatuan." Daniel sadly told me one day.

"So what's gonna happen to you?" I asked.

"Well, we agreed to see each other weekly." Daniel replied.

"Can you live with that?"

"Yeah, we have no choice. I'm helping her put up a business there."

For the first two months Jena lived in Cabanatuan, Daniel religiously visited her weekly, sometimes staying overnight, when both of us need to go there on official business, sometimes staying there for a day.

Then everything took a big turn...Daniel's wife gave birth.

For two months, Daniel wasn't able to visit Jena. He was occupied with the baby and taking care of his wife. During this time, I would only see Daniel during meetings, after which, he would excuse himself and go home.

"Bro, let's go to Cabanatuan." Daniel asked me one day.

"Sure." I answered.

So after more than two months, we were going back to Cabanatuan. Me, to do some work, Daniel to mix work with pleasure.

Jena was very happy to see Daniel. I could say she missed him a lot as she never took her hands off him. Daniel was happy to see her too, he was all smiles.

Then Daniel did the unexpected. In all his excitement, Daniel pulled out his wallet and showed Jena the picture of his baby. I sensed Jena's shock and disappointment even if she tried to hide it. That was the beginning of the end...

After we got back to Manila, Jena never texted Daniel anymore. Daniel's calls were also left unanswered, his text messages never replied.

Daniel got visibly disturbed.

"Bro, can we go to Cabanatuan?"

"I can't bro. I need to attend a lot of meetings this week. Y?"

"Its Jena, she's suddenly become incommunicado."

"I'm sorry bro, but, I cannot really go out of town this week."

"Is it okay if I just tell them you're with me?"

"Sure. I won't answer any call coming from your family. Just tell them I left my cell at home once you get back in Manila."

So off went Daniel to Cabanatuan, by himself. It was a Monday.

My cellphone rang around 8:00 p.m. that day. It was Daniel.

"Bro, Jena is hiding from me." Daniel said.

"Do you know why?" I asked.

"I'm still trying to find out." Daniel replied.

Daniel stayed in Cabanatuan for 3 days, and, during those 3 days Jena avoided her. Daniel came back to Manila disappointed and heart broken. He knew something was very wrong.

After that trip, Daniel received a text message from an anonymous sender. It read: " If you want to find out why Jena is avoiding you, send Php 20,000 to this account."

Wanting to find out what's happening, Daniel sent the money.

"Jena is having a relationship with someone else, a lesbian. She was hurt when you showed her the baby's picture. Jena is not like any other mistresses. She still keeps a certain amount of dignity for herself."

Daniel was shocked. I myself was shocked to hear the news, though the thought of Jena carrying another relationship already crossed my mind.

It devastated Daniel. He loves Jena so much and the sudden end of their relationship took its toll on him. He must have lost like 10 pounds in a week. There were times that he would stare blankly at walls during our meetings. It came to a point that Daniel cannot keep everything for himself, so, even if its too humiliating for him, he told me everything.

"There are a lot of times that I would cry while taking a shower...I still text her, and still hopes she would reply..."

"Bro, the baby is both a blessing and a bitter realization..." I said. "Look at it this way, the baby is the best thing that happened to you, Jena and your wife..."

I gave him advices almost on a daily basis during that time, and there are days that he would just bring up the issue even if we were talking about work.

"You know what? Let's go to cabanatuan. Let's see Jena." I told him one day.

"What?" Daniel couldn't believe what he heard.

"You heard me right. Let's go to Cabanatuan and see Jena." I repeated.

We hopped into his car and drove off. I could feel Daniel was both excited and concerned. I couldn't blame him. He didn't know what to expect.

We arrived in Cabanatuan just a bit after lunch and immediately asked for Jena's whereabouts.

"Hi Jena, how are you?" Jena was surprised to see me at her doorstep.

"Why are you here?"

"You know that Daniel and I are good friends...and as a friend, I wouldn't want him get eaten up by his heartaches. He's with me. You two need to talk..."

I waved at Daniel to come in and left them alone. They talked for more than an hour.

Finally, the door opened and out came Daniel, his eyes red.

I went inside and thanked Jena for talking to Daniel, kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye.

"Wait!" Jena stopped me from leaving. "Look over Daniel. I love him very much. This has just got to end."

"I know...that's why I brought him here...Bye.."

Everything was quiet on our way back home.

"Thanks bro..." Daniel suddenly said.

"No worries bro..."

"So you really planned this out, didn't you?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah. All you needed was a closure. It was very evident from the time she started avoiding you. You need to hear her say it to your face no matter how painful it is. How do you feel now?"

"I don't know..." Daniel replied.

"Call your wife, tell her we're on our way back. Tell her to dress up in an hour's time, you will take her out..."

"Huh?" Daniel was surprised.

"You will take her out because you have totally ignored her for the longest time. After she gave birth, you just helped her recover and it was all the baby and Jena. Your mind was in a spin during those times. Karen needs you, the old you..."

"Yeah, I guess you're right..." Daniel agreed.

One week passed after that before I heard something from Daniel again.

"Bro, let's have lunch. My treat." Daniel invited me.

It must be the longest lunch I've had in my life. We saw each other in Glorietta around 11:30 and finished talking around 6:30 p.m.

"Bro, thanks for everything. Karen and I are going to Europe for a month. We thought we needed to spend time together, just the two of us..."

"Good!" I said.

"You were a big help...thanks again..."

"Don't mention it..."

Sometimes we mourn the loss of someone because there are things we wanted and needed to say which we haven't had the chance to convey to that person. These are the roots of our emotional pains. The sudden loss of someone impacts us deeply that we feel lost and confused. Time heals everything...a good friend speeds up the healing...

PS...Jeff's story is next...;-)