...my life...

Whenever I look back at how I've lived my life the past 36 years, I cannot help but think about all the women who somehow have shared pages of it...some good and others, well, pretty bad. But the one thing that's common amongst all of them is this, they were special in their own ways.

Jenny, my childhood sweetheart who eventually became one of my girlfriends, belonged to a devoted catholic family. Her parents were against our relationship which somehow was the reason why we broke up. Lenlen, who became my girlfriend the very same day we were introduced to each other, somehow lacked the intellect to keep up with me...so I just had to break up with her. Then there's Cita, who would do anything to go to Japan. Tsk!tsk! I guess she loved the snow in that country that she forgot someone was waiting for her in Pinas.

Then of course, Lina, who became my wife. We believed we were destined to be married due to this: We broke up when we were on 2nd year college, never heard about each other for 4 years, came across each other, never saw each other for 2 more years, then bumped into each other and said: "Let's get married..."

It seems that men really become more sought-after after they wear their wedding rings. Less than 2 years into my marriage, I met Linda, my secretary, who risked her virginity by checking in a motel with me. I, after realizing she was still a virgin, did not go for it. Stupid? Well, a bit maybe, but the whole thought of breaking that hymen was too much for me not to feel guilty. I guess she was disappointed about it that she told her Tita about us, who then confronted me personally. Whew!!!

Then came the most stressful of them all, Juvy. She was 21 then and very aggressive. She was one hottie I could live without. She was a total nightmare, and I was living "Fatal Attraction" to its utmost reality. Jeeesssshhhh, I was squeezed dry literally, for she didn't want each weekday to end without us doing it for 3 rounds...yes, 3 rounds. Eventually, my wife found out about it and everything ended. It took a good two years before I could actually go out on "gimicks" after that...

I said to myself, never again will I have an extra marital relationship...but I broke my own resolve. Merely 3 years after Juvy, I met Annette, whom I had a sexual relationship with for 2 months. Then May, a 23 year old cutie whom I've met in a bar...then Steph...whom I loved so much more than anyone else I have fallen in love with...

Through all this there were the ONS ladies, women I've met in bars and hotels during my trips and nightouts and whose names I couldn't even remember anymore. Modesty aside, they were too many to be remembered. Its a good thing I carry a pack of Trust with me everytime I go out, otherwise I could have caught some VD along the way.

Time and age has finally caught up with me, I guess. I now try to live a life of moderation, of reason and responsibility, of decency and dignity. There are days that I would want to go back to the life I've lived for 36 years, but moral dictates that I should just be home with my kids. Sometimes I feel sad about this, as there seems to be a monster in me that needs to be unleashed, a monster who has not satisfied its hunger for lust and worldly desires. I am doing my best to control it, and so far have been succesful.

There comes a time in a man's life when every move that he makes need to be carefully thought about. Words spoken, admirations given, responsibility taken, accolades desired, circle of friends and many more. Time changes as one person age, and wisdom grows better as the years of your life increase. This is a fact that all men need to accept. Getting tamer through the years shows the maturity in thinking, not age.

I am 36, and I have lived a nasty, topsy-turvy, somehow wild, sinful and deceitful life so far. On an average, I will still have 30+ years of living ahead of me, barring any fatal illness. Question is: How will I spend it? Honestly, I don't know.

I can promise myself that I'll stick with my marriage and be truly faithful and loyal to my wife, I can say otherwise. At this stage, I merely want to be happy, no matter what that means...

Ponder...ponder...

Moving on...

How do you put back the pieces together? How do you go on with life without looking back? Questions always pop up, always...and end up not getting answered...

Fontana is a nice place...a very refreshing place...a nice place to start all over again...

I can still vividly recall all that has been said..."DONT CALL ME ANYMORE..."...This probably is one of the saddest phrases ever coined, not because of the angry atmosphere it exudes, but, because of the relationship it ended...

I almost texted back..."Okay..."...but held on to it...thinking about it for some time...I never sent it...

It was finally over...no formal break up...no tears...no explanations...no arguments...just the way I wanted it to be...

We have gone through this stage several times already that it has become a routine everytime she goes on "self-pity" mode, one thing that really heavily strained our relationship. During the first few occasions this happened, both of us ended up crying...then we just cried a little...then the tears didn't fall...then there were no tears at all...

During the previous break-ups, I had a hard time sleeping...leaving dark circles under my eyes in the morning...then my fingers would have the itch to text her...then I'd give in and send her sweet and sorry messages...and would try to win her back...

Last night I slept well...was jolly in the morning...had a hearty breakfast...and saved a lot of text messages in my cell phone subscription plan...Had I become numb???

No...

I was just tired of it all...

I realized for the first time that I totally obscured myself from the world I used to enjoy...I strained a lot of my relationships with people whom I have considered friends for the longest time...even my daughter always ask my wife whether I'd go home or not...I realized that my world stopped for her, and got lost from the maps of my friends' memories...I became Mr. Next Time, to the people I used to hang out with...Mr. Will Try, to my colleagues...Mr. I'm Gonna Be Late, to my family...Mr. I Can't, to the rest...

I failed to see my daughter walk the isle when she was asked to be one of the flower girls in a friend's wedding...I wasn't in the picture when my daughter accepted her medal for an academic honor she got...I wasn't the first one to see my "bunso" when she was born...I have not spent enough time to be with my ailing father...I was an absentee father, an invisible man of the house, an atm machine which only dispenses money....I was USELESS....

Thanks to you sweetheart for ending it all...

As I write this post, not even a single teardrop wells my eyes, a slightly straightened letter "U" is on my lips...I am happy...not just because everything is over between us, but because I realized what I have lost when I had you...and have enough time to catch up and get it all back...

It was good while it lasted, and the imprints of the memories we shared together will forever be etched in my heart...As I've said, I will always love you, and will never cease to love you for all eternity...but ours is not meant to be, and I have finally accepted that fact...we must now move on...and go on loving each other but never be together...love me all you want, but love the person who can give you complete happiness more, much more than the way you love me...I will do the same...and walk past the boundaries of our intimate moments towards a brand new day...a brand new life...a brand new me...

Tomorrow, I will wave my hands to my family when I leave for work, and shake the hands of my colleagues when I get to work...I will run to the coffee shop for my meetings with renewed vigor and will laugh with my friends when I see them later in the evening...I missed my life...I missed my loved ones...I miss myself...

I will see your picture as I stare at the blank wall...but don't worry, I won't long for you anymore...I will put you up in the pedestal as an honor for your being such a wonderful person...a wonderful friend...a GREAT love...

Let's move on sweetheart...and enjoy what is left of our lives...let's walk towards the sunset holding the arms of the people we love and live for...let's walk towards the new day with attached memories in our hearts...As the sun sets, let's put all the heartaches with it and rest for the night...the hurts and the pains end here.....

...finally.....